Superglue can't fix this Broken Heart

I tried. To fix my heart with superglue I mean. Superglue being in the form of several different options, none of which worked. You see a heart is really hard to fix, especially when it's really broken. And mine is. Broken. No quick- fix is going to heal this one.

I've tried them all. Denial. Too much food. Too much drink. No prayer. Too much reflection. Too little reflection. Too little food. Too little companionship. Too much companionship. Beating myself up. Beating the one who broke my heart up. It simply doesn't work. There is just no glue that will suffice.

There is however a solution. Prayer. Time. Trust. Patience. Forgiveness. I cling to those words like mantras of hope. Things that seem almost impossible to attain at a time like this. But, it can and has to be done.

You see, living in the world with a broken heart, is like not living at all. It is like being blinded by a pain that has no words to encapsulate it's depth. It's like the part of you that is your very spirit ceases to exist and in it's place is an emptiness you think you'll never fill again. Trying all the aforementioned temporary fixes in an attempt to glue it all together again, holds it for a while, but it's just not permanent enough.

My heart, to me, represents my centre, my goodness and my being. It is where God and all good things reside in me. It might be an organ, but it has a soul too. It is a living, beating part of the rhythm that makes up me. Unique, quirky, difficult, imperfect maybe, but me nevertheless.

I never handed my heart out to anyone unless I really believed they deserved it. Then again, I guess I was never a person who trusted very easily. And yes, I gave away 'parts' of my heart and myself, but never gave it fully. Except once. And twice and three times when my children came into this world. They still have my heart and they always will. They might break it too, but it won't be the same as this broken. It can't be the same.

I am grieving the loss of my heart, but I still have my heartbeat. I am grieving the loss of a best friend, with whom I shared everything. I am grieving a part of me that I thought I could never lose without dying. But it happened, and I did lose it. And the crack is split as wide as a river, with emotion flowing from every vein and artery as a result. Glue may hold it together temporarily, but only life can heal it totally.

Life is funny like that. It gives and it takes too. It weakens and it strengthens in the same breath sometimes. It makes you strong through adversity. It picks you up and carries you when you think you cannot bear another moment of what is being asked of you.

Inside my heart (where my light is temporarily faded) I know that I am strong. I know that I will get up and live again and trust again. I know that my life will have renewed hope and my heartbeat a new rhythm that will define a different kind of melody.

I vascillate between strength and vulnerability. I am like a leaf being tossed about by the winds on one day and the roots of a strong oak the next. I have children to care about and that gives me purpose and resolve.

And yes, my heart will heal. It will always bear a scar, but no-one but me will be the wiser. I have the capability to let go and learn from this grievious fracture that feels so unbearable to me now. Grieving is a process and has no short-cuts. Grief will ebb and flow as days turn to night. More importantly within this quiet grief, is the inner knowledge that life will go on and must.

So, my broken heart, you will be well again. You still beat with life. You still have things to accomplish, not least to keep my spirit alive and growing. It's a process, but it can be done. God is there, helping you and I to move on together.
I think we will be ready soon.